Surrender…

doesn’t come natural to me, I’d rather fight you for something I don’t really want, than to take what you give that I need, and I’ve beat my head against so many walls now I’m falling down, I’m falling on my knees.

The above is part of a Rich Mullins song, “Hold Me Jesus“.  And it perfectly describes our first 3 months in South Africa.   While we were back in the US preparing for the life that God was calling us to, we had many ideas of what it would be like.  Unfortunately I only had what I knew in the US to help us foresee.  At home I was a builder by trade, and I enjoyed it very much.  I had gotten to a point in my business and life, where I was able to control many aspects of it.  I knew who to call to get something done well, and I also had the resources to do it.  I had a huge support group around me, including our family, and I had gained the respect and praise from both work and church.  I was well grounded and comfortable.

So, this is what I projected would happen in South Africa too.  We would hit the ground running and be able to get things done.  We would call the right people, we would make a difference so we could write home to all of our family and supporters and show them all that we have accomplished!!

Here is the real truth – I have battled from day 1.  Nothing is familiar, I don’t know who to call, and I struggle to do it myself because everything is unfamiliar.  Daily I am asked to do things that I am not naturally good at.  The language and cultural barriers are so big.  When I call the plumber, the electrician, the door guy, and the cabinet guy, they tell me what I want to hear.  It is culturally acceptable to say what the other person wants to hear (so they aren’t letting me down) with no intentions of following thru.  I’ve been told many times, “We will make a plan!”……and then a few weeks go by and I call again and they say, “We will make a plan just now!” and another week goes by and I call again and they say, “We will make a plan now, now!”  You get the picture, and I struggle to get done what was so easy and natural for me to do at home.

Then the devil starts asking the question – did God really say He wanted you here?  You aren’t making a difference at all.  Why would He bring you out of your environment, when you could get things done so efficiently, to an environment where everything is an up-hill battle.  I feel so inadequate for the job.

I finally called a friend from home, that has been a huge part of my life.  He knows me well, knows my weaknesses, strengths, sins, fears, and failures.  I began to share with him all of the things that I had been experiencing and he just listened.  But at the end of the conversation, he said two things that I know now were from God….he said, “What did you expect – that it would be easy?” and he also stated his main concern regarding our entire conversation was when I said, “Maybe I just need to stop being a baby and pull myself up and try harder.”

Then it hit me…..and that was my problem.

I am not adequate for this job, really none of us are – and that is the point.

That takes me back to how I started this post, the Rich Mullins song.  We were sitting around this cold Saturday morning as a family (35 degrees in the silo), worshiping God with music and this song, Hold Me Jesus, came on and the word surrender jumped out at me.  That is really why I am here.  That is why all of us are where we are….to learn to surrender.  It is not about us, or about what we do or don’t do.  It is about surrendering to His will.  After we understand that daily we die to self, and we have nothing to offer apart from Him, then and only then, are we ready to be used for His glory.  I realize now that many of the struggles we have faced are really an answer to prayer that we have asked many of you to pray.  That we don’t come over here on our own strength, but that we do what He is asking us to do, and only by His power.  I think I was just to prideful to see it.

Thank you Jesus for using a brother in Christ to point me back to you.

 – God doesn’t call us to be comfortable, He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through.    

Francis Chan